(If the title of this article made you think of the Gin Blossom’s 1993 hit, then congratulations, you are a product of the 90’s!!)

There’s nothing more exciting than bringing a new baby home for the first time. Your life changes the moment you step through that door and will continue to change every couple of months as your little one reaches each new stage in life. One of the most challenging changes for is the unavoidable wedge that is driven between you and your spouse. People who think having a baby will save their marriage and bring them closer with their spouse are misguided, confused, and quite possibly clinically insane! Having a baby will put many obstacles before you and one that is very common amongst dads is jealousy.

In his book, “Tommy & Me: The Making of a Dad”, fellow Sandpoint resident Ben Stein chronicles his own battle with the jealousy he was feeling towards being pushed out as the center of attention. It was something that affected him so much that he and his wife separated for period of time. Interestingly enough was that they adopted their son, so this was no accident. They literally chose to have children. The reality is that no matter how smart, educated, or famous you are, you are subject to feelings of jealousy as a new father.

Some dads may feel guilty about having these feelings, but, they are quite normal and quite common. Before you had children your wife was all yours. If you were like my wife and me then you spent your childless time together eating out, going on dates, picnics, motorcycle trips, and various other activities. Now you have to time your grocery shopping or errands in between feedings and pack a suitcase with enough changes of clothes that would any guy could make last for a month! When you go to bed and turn to your wife in hopes of some intimacy she is fast asleep because she knows that your baby is going to be awake and hungry again in a few hours.

It’s important to note that she is not neglecting you on purpose, but, rather, is just trying to satisfy the maternal instinct that is revving at 9200rpm. This is a crucial time in your marriage that requires honesty, effort, and realistic expectations. Talk to her and let her know how you are feeling. Be clear that you understand why things are this way right now, but, that you want to make sure your relationship continues to grow. Be realistic as to how much time you are really going to get at this point and understand that it will get better. If you really want attention from your wife give her a few hours away from the kids. Give her $5 to get a cup of coffee and read a book at Starbucks, down a handful of Tylenol, and let the fun begin! She’ll come back refreshed and thankful—you, on the other hand, might want to go straight to sleep that night.

I can’t emphasize enough the importance to talk about what you are feeling. I know this can be a foreign concept to a lot of men. However, to be an effective father, you are going to find yourself having to overcome a lot of male pride. Let your wife know what is going on and come up with a couple of things you both can do to help. And don’t forget, it will get better so long as you don’t grow bitter!

(In part 2 of this article we’ll talk about being jealous of your child’s preference of mom)